So Nervous

Tomorrow, bright and early, I have a colonoscopy. For the most part, at this point, I'm SO ready to get it over with. I haven't  been able to eat all day and I had to do the prep thingy. Let me just say that I would not wish that on anyway. I got a migraine from not being able to eat, using the bathroom every five minutes sucks, and dowing sixty-four ounces of gatorade mixed with nasty ol' miralax is utterly disgusting. After about the third glass, well, I didn't think I'd be able to get anythinge else down. I cannot imagine having to drink it with just water. Ew; today has not been fun.

 I'm really nervous about the procedure. I don't really know what to expect. I've been told that I won't remember the procedure, but that I'll be in and out of consciousness during it. So, I'm wondering if, during the procedure, if I'll realize what's going on and then after I come off the medication, if I'll not remember it. Very intriguing to me, in a way, if you ask me. It's neat how that works.

Surprisingly, my anxiety hasn't been too bad concerning this. I think that's because of changes in my lifestyle. I'm so happy and thankful for that. I visited a church on Sunday down in Fairbanks and I absolutely loved it! I don't remember the last time I looked forward to going back to church. I don't remember the last time that I actually didn't want the preacher to stop preaching. Needless to say the preacher actually spoke on fears a bit and I believe this helped with my anxiety a ton. I wish I could find the words to better explain it, but as long as it makes sense to me, and helps, that's all that matters.

I will try to post an update to the colonoscopy tomorrow. Keep me in your prayers. Hopefully all goes well and nothing is wrong. =]

xoxo,
Megan

Weight

Currently, I weigh a healthy 130 to 135 pounds and you'd think I'd be happy with the way my body is, but the truth is, I'm not. I have some big self-esteem problems and I hate that I do, because I'm not overweight. But, in my mind, I feel like I am.


Growing up I never weighed over 115 pounds. I worse a size three jeans and didn't have an ounce of fat on my body. However, this was probably due to the fact that I played soccer for almost ten years and had practice for two to three hours a day. So, in reality, I probably burned off every calorie I ate that day during practice.


Since I got married and moved to Alaska, I've gained twenty pounds, wear a size seven, and my boobs are now up to a size D. Actually, I'm a lot healthier now and I have curves. But still, at the back of my mind, I think I'm overweight. Every little stretch mark, every little piece of cellulite sticks out to me and I cannot get past it. I think it's ugly and well, you can't really do anything to eliminate them. They can be diminished, but they'll never totally go away.


I blame society for my self-esteem issues. If society wasn't so freaking obsessed with skinny, skinny girls who wear a size zero, I probably wouldn't hate the way I look or feel like I'm overweight. As women, we grow up in society and are told how to look and how our body should be. We're told that we aren't pretty unless we're super skinny. I hate it. 


I'm tired of feeling like this. I want to be able to love my body and be confident. I used to workout everyday and I was finally to the point where I enjoyed working out. Slowly, I began to feel better about myself, but then things got busy and I stopped working out. Now I'm back to hating how I look and obsessing over my weight/looks on a daily basis. It's ALWAYS at the back of my mind; it's ALWAYS haunting me. 


I need to find a workout buddy and I hope I can talk my husband into it getting up earlier before work and working out with me everyday, because if I don't do it at the beginning of the day, I know I won't feel like doing it at the end of the day. Also, if I don't have anyone to work out with and hold me accountable, it is so much easier to slack off on working out. I also am thinking about keeping a food journal and keeping track of everything I eat. I've stopped buying junk food and started eating fruits and celery, things like that, for snacks.  I'm going to research other ways to build my confidence as well.


I'm determined to become a confident woman and not look at myself as overweight. I don't think I'll try to lose weight, but I'm going to try and maintain it and love the way it looks right now, because after all, I am at a healthy weight, considering my height and body build. Wish me luck! 


xoxo,
Megan

Church

I grew up in the church as a child. Ever since I was a little girl I can remember getting up every Sunday morning, getting dressed up and heading out to church. As I got older I began to feel like church and Christianity was shoved down my throat. So, after I got married and moved to Alaska, I was kind of slacking on finding a church up here. I felt that I had to find Jesus and God on and own and I believe that I finally have.

In the time that I've been out of the church, I've realized how different my life is and how I was really naive to think my parents were shoving Christianity and church down my throat.  Not many people know this, but I struggle with anxiety. And, honestly, I believe that has a lot to do with my not-so-good relationship with the Lord. It's caused me to worry about things I never worried about when I was actively involved in Church. I am sure this has to do with growing up, but, personally, it also has a lot to do with God/Jesus and not being the Christian I was raised to be. I cannot explain it and well, it would seem like I was crazy if I tried to because words just can't be found to describe how I know. My life was just so much more positive and hopeful when I had a relationship with God and Jesus. 

I saw a quote the other day I spoke to me and made me open my eyes even more: Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death.

To put it mildly, my anxiety has a lot to do with various fears that I cannot control; things I should never be worrying about (i.e. death, sickness, etc). I don't want to go into too much detail right now because it would make this post extremely long, but these anxieties hinder my life in ways nobody can imagine and I'm tired of living that way. Ultimately these are things I should leave God in control of and honestly, I do not do that. I've tried counseling, twice, which seems to not be helping much. So, I'm seeking God and Jesus, like I probably should have been all along. It all makes me realize I need a better, strong relationship with the Lord. So, I'm going to start changing my ways and living the Christian life, that I deep down, know to be true; serving the Living God.  I'm going to feed my "faith" and make it stronger. In doing so, I hope to bring myself and my husband (and other people as well) to know God better, as well as Jesus.

Now, Eric and I have visited a few churches and nothing's really stood out to me. But, on August 22, my friend Brittany and I are going to be visiting my friend Laura's church. I think I'm going to leave Eric at home for this one and get a feel of the church for myself. If I find that I like it, Eric and I will visit together the next Sunday. 

xoxo,

Megan

Stone of Tears

Terry Goodkind's Stone of Tears is the second installment in his "Sword of Truth" book series. After defeating Darken Rahl, Richard has now become a Rahl himself and has discovered that being the Seeker is not his only destiny. Upon learning of his new found power and the destruction he unintentionally caused by destroying Darken Rahl, Richard must now leave with The Sisters of the Light in hopes of controlling this new found power and also saving the world from utter destruction at the hands of the Underworld's Keeper. Can he succeed once again, or are his abilities going to be thwarted? 


Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this book. It was rather lengthy and some parts moved slowly (or so it seemed, it could be because I got in a phase of where I didn't want to read), but the slow parts were essential to the overall story and its ending. Once again, there is love, destruction, torment, hope, loss, and many other elements that the reader will experience throughout the events that fill the pages of this book. The end picked up considerably and I found myself holding back some tears as I reached it. It was a very good read and I cannot wait to read the next installment of the book. 


xoxo,
Megan

High School

I never thought I'd miss high school, but now, I'm not so surprised that I do. I don't miss high school because my life is bad; in fact, my life is far from bad. I miss it because I had a great time and met a lot of wonderful people who changed my life forever. These people shaped me into who I am today and are a large reason as to why I want to become a high school English teacher.

I played the clarinet from fifth through tenth grades and was in marching band; something I don't quite miss as much as the other various activities I was involved in. I do, however, miss playing the clarinet from time to time. Music is such a profound thing and it can impact anybody. It did bring me joy.

As most people also know, I played soccer for about eight to ten years. I don't know the exact number because, well, that's a long time to keep track of. I started out in LASA and moved on to play on Coach Green's travel team (an all guys team, apart from me of course), then in eight grade and ninth grades I played JV soccer for my high school, and finally, in tenth through eleventh grades I played Varsity. I think my most favorite years playing soccer were the years I played on the travel team with Coach Green. Looking back, however, I also have some great memories from playing Varsity under Coach Mehan. I learned a lot about myself, not just when it came to the sport, but when it came to my abilities and what I could endure. I'm a very strong person simply because of the many years I spent kicking a ball down a field or defending our end of the field. This is something I hope to give my own kids someday.

But, during my senior year of high school I decided to do something a bit different. I decided to not play soccer anymore and I had already stopped with band. Instead, I became involved in Advanced Theater. I mostly was stage manager and I loved every minute of it (despite the insane amount of stress encountered). I was good at it though and it paid off well; our plays went off smoothly and nothing catastrophic happened. 

Even before I auditioned for the class and made it into it, I was already close friends with almost everyone who was in the class or going to be going into the class. But during that year I grew considerably closer with every single person in the class. The plays we did and the things we experienced together: the laughter; the drama, no pun intended ;-); and all the times Mrs. Sadler pissed us off were all very, very worth it in the end. I cannot explain the overwhelming joy I had being involved in theater that year. It made my senior year. 

Everyone from the class I was in has graduated and we've all gone our separate ways, but I'll never forget the people I worked with on a daily basis, nor Mrs. Sadler. I look forward to being able to tell my children about the amazing people I knew in high school and the amazing things I encountered. I only hope my children can have the experience I had.

All in all, I think the great experience I had in high school is what has made me want to be a high school English teacher. My teachers were wonderful people, many of whom, who also changed my life forever. They made me realize my love for English and education in general (Ms. Fletcher, Ms. Wilmoth, Mrs. Sadler, Mrs. Woodward, Mrs. Lonce, I really could go on and on). I hope I can someday impact someone's life the way my previous teachers have impacted mine. 

xoxo,

Megan

4 Years

On August 28th,  Eric and I will be celebrating four amazing years together. 


It amazes me how fast time has flown by and where life has taken us in the past four years. In fact, if you asked me four years ago where Eric and I would end up, I'd probably say in Virginia still, with me attending college there and him working. I would have never guessed we'd be going on our third year in Alaska and second wedding anniversary/third year of marriage.


Eric and I did not plan to get married so soon. But, as many of you know, the military can cause you to rethink plans and change them in a heartbeat, at a moments notice.


Eric left for basic training in April of 2008. At this point, I was a senior in high school and had been accepted into Virginia Commonwealth University's Forensic Science program. Well, high school graduation came and went; BMT graduation came and went; and soon enough, orientation came and went.   


Orientation for me at VCU is where everything changed for us. I got the phone call that Eric was going to be stationed in Alaska, as opposed to Korea, for three years. Instantly my mind was racing. I hated orientation at VCU simply for the fact that I quickly realized it was not where I wanted to be. I wanted to be with Eric, in Alaska. The six month separation due to BMT and Tech School had been enough for me. My heart just wasn't into VCU anymore, it was with Eric.


So, Eric and I talked about things for a week and finally, I called my mom (who by the way was on a business trip to Illinois at the time) and told her I had disenrolled at VCU and Eric and I were going to get married when he came on leave from Tech School.


After huge fights and an emotional roller-coaster with my family, the wedding planning was soon underway. We planned our wedding in a month's time, changing the date two or three times. When all was said and done, our wedding cost less than $1,000 and I loved every bit of it; the simplicity, the elegance.  


Two weeks after we got married, we moved to Alaska and the rest is history. 


Getting married at 18 and moving 4,000 miles away was the best thing I could have done for myself and for Eric. We are closer now than ever and most importantly, he is still my best friend. 


I am so blessed to have somebody like Eric. I could never find a better man to spend the rest of my life with. 

12.5

Here's just a tiny update on my writing progress. =]

As of tonight, at the time of this posting, I have about 12.5 chapters written in my book. I have to say it's progressing rather quickly. I've reached the climax of my book and I can't wait to see what direction it takes. This also means I'm almost halfway done with my book entirely. When all is said and done, I will have about 27 chapters and an epilogue. That's pretty impressive if you ask me.

My worst fear for it though is that it won't become published. I've heard it's so difficult to get published and I'm so scared of rejection. But I guess I'll never know if I don't ever try, right?. Hopefully between now and then, I'll gain more faith and more optimism. Who knows, this book could very well be my big break into becoming a published author!

xoxo,
Megan

Adrenaline

Tonight, I almost got killed by a Momma Moose. No. Joke.


I went over to my friend Alicia's house to hang out with her and Stephanie and watch Dear John. Well, at one point, Alicia's dog, Harley, started barking and going nuts. So Stephanie and I got up to go see what he was barking at. There were two baby moose and a momma moose not 50 feet away from us. Stephanie and I were going to go out on Alicia's front porch to get pictures, because, well, the moose were so close and right in the middle of a housing loop.


Harley got out the door. I have never panicked so much in my entire life. I knew I couldn't just stay in the house and watch Harley go after a big momma moose, especially a momma moose who would be extremely protective over her young! I could just imagine Momma Moose hurting Harley and killing him. So, Stephanie and I run out the door and down the steps to go get Harley and the next thing I know, Momma Moose is charging. I have never run so fast in my life. 


Stephanie and I finally made it up the steps and into Alicia's house and looked back and the moose was less than 30 feet away from us. Probably a lot closer than that. Had the moose REALLY wanted to get us, she would have had us in no time. As big and bulky as those suckers look, they can move rather fast! It's unbelievable at how fast they can move.


Anyway - when people say that pretty much anything can be accomplished when someone's adrenaline is pumping, I now believe it to be 110% true. I cannot tell you the way my body morphed when my adrenaline started going. While the circumstances were frightening, it surely was interesting to feel my adrenaline going through my body. It was definitely unreal and made me feel "alive." 


Just thought it was an interesting story and now, after the fact, it's kind of comical. Good think I love Alicia and her dog!


xoxo,
Megan

Screw You!

I will never, ever live in military house ever again!!! Today was the final straw for me and somebody, somewhere on this military base better do something about these crappy people I live next door to!


Today, I get home from the commissary and I walk out to my car to get my groceries. Guess what I find? 30+ cigarette butts by my front door/car. Guess what? They're my neighbor's cigarettes too! So, I call housing because I'm quite tired of this.  I tell them I've put up with the yelling, screaming, fighting, slamming of doors, running up and down the stairs, and whatever other crap my neighbors, for a year. I cannot do it anymore. I can't do my homework in peace. I can't take a freaking shower in peace. It's just ridiculous. I tell them about the cigarette butts. Guess what? Housing can't do a thing about it. They said our best best would be to go to Eric's first shirt and get him involved. Yeah, only problem is, my husband works 12s, which means his first shirt probably works 12s to. Lovely. Plus, it would be a bunch of he said/she said crap and that's not crap I have time to deal with.


Is it really so hard for housing to be like "Look, you signed a contact stating that you would get along with your neighbors and be courteous, if you can't follow it, you'll be made to move off base?" Give them three effin strikes and then kick them off.


Ugh! I'm just so fed up with this bullcrap. I have had a mind to pack up my crap and find a place to live off base, even if it means I have to move twice within a year. 


I'll post again later with something much more happier than this. I just had to vent.


xoxo,
Megan